Too Honest

(CW: Eating Disorder, Binge eating)

Make the tenth of the morning’s shirt lifted checks to ensure ab muscles are still visible
Debate forgoing the breakfast banana
Decide that this will only make tonight worse
Consume
Rapidly, enough coffee
That you can feel your eyes vibrate inside your skull
Darting left and right
looking for an exit that isn’t there

-

Make a post bowel movement full body inspection
Work absentmindedly 
Alternatively watch and admonish yourself for watching 
The clock
YouTube videos 
The progress of time told in sundial shadows off trees

-

Break for lunch 
Protein shake
Exercise 
Feel blood push against veins too small to contain your effort
If you are asking where the line is the answer is further

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Dinner 
Raspberries
Peanut butter
Lie down and ignore it 
Willpower 
Fuck it, who can’t eat toast? 
Dregs from the butter tray off the edge of a knife while you wait for the toast 
Sugar directly from the jar adjacent the coffee machine
Butter and sugar 
Now something salty 
Cheese 
More bread 
Defeat 
Shame 
Quick check in the mirror 
Exercise holding the line for now
But there are cracks in my defenses