Finn Evans
Director’s Cut
I miss myself. Myself free, back from 2019.
Spontaneous me.
The me that would cut my hair late at night, the me that would walk the streets till sunrise.
The me that was not scared to be alternative in thought, alternative in body, tattoos, piercings and more...
The world quarantined itself and so did I.
Who am I now? Hiding away behind the screen. Burying my chosen name behind the mask of conformity. Freezing when having to interact with people. Who do I introduce myself as?
This is not me. This is a stranger.
I want to have a buzz cut. I want to have facial piercings and tattoos. I want to cut off the pieces of myself that feel foreign and make me cringe.
I want to cut out the fear.
I want to cut.
A director's cut of my life, my body. Me.
I want to be me.
I am proud of being me.
Stillness Kills Me
My heart does not know how to rest
Its beats are fast
in a rhythm of fear, knocking
on my chest. Hoping
to pump up the will
for my lungs to share their oxygen
But my mouth is always kept open, frozen
Stuck
in a moment of shock from the first
time my heart raced
in pain as if it was running
away from it
So my lungs rest, forget-
ful of what their job is and my eyes don't recognise
the face of the now
How is it that I have jumped
20 years ahead of time?
Was I running all the way here?
My heart feels at home only
when it is feeling the rush
of running, so whenever I have a rest-
ful day, it runs
even faster, my lungs
hyperventilating as
they think that I am dead.
Finn Evans is a trans writer-director from three countries (the US, Bulgaria and the UK). In his writing, he is passionate about topics that delve into mental health and deep emotions, represented through a lens of magical realism, dream-like and abstract sequences. His most recent project Real Boy delved into what happens when one loses oneself in other people's expectations and opinions of what one's identity should be. He is passionate about representation and information, giving power to minorities to tell their story themselves through his production company CHUDATSI. You can follow his work on Instagram on @awakenkids and @chudatsi