Josie Cressler

I Had to Quit Sports Because of Chronic Illness But it Didn’t Matter Because I Wasn’t Very Good

Josie Cressler

Volume 1:

Actually, it did matter. A lot.

To me. It was heartbreaking. Also to my teammates. They cared about me and they showed it.

But I was

BAD AT SPORTS.

I’m not being self-deprecating here. It was just a truth I accepted.

I quit slowly over time.

[Drawing of a person wincing as they are hit in the face with a frisbee].

I thought I just had a bad concussion, but it turned out to be more serious and more chronic.

I had POTS.

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome is a condition where something is off with the connection between your central nervous system and your cardio-vascular system. Your heart beats too fast, your blood doesn’t flow right, and you’re dizzy with migraines all the time, especially with exercise. I’ve always had it - had undiagnosed symptoms of it for years - but it didn’t get bad until my concussion.

So I quit the team slowly, over time.

To be clear,

I was valuable to the team and they made sure I knew.

I also couldn’t help but feel extraneous. Like, I hadn’t been good at the sport so it was embarrassing to hang around when I couldn’t play.

It’s been a hard few years of figuring myself out, reevaluating my identity. Now that my body works differently I am able to do different (less) things. And while sports weren’t the most important thing, it started there. So the phrase is stuck in my mind ...

I Had to Quit Sports Because of Chronic Illness But it Didn’t Matter Because I Wasn’t Very Good

[Drawing of a cheeky smiley face]

I Had to Quit Sports Because of Chronic Illness But it Didn’t Matter Because I Wasn’t Very Good

Volume 2:

I figured I might as well say PARTIES ARE STUPID because maybe then I won’t feel like I’m missing out.

[Drawing of a face with their nose in the air].

When I do go out, I don't really know what to do with my body so I always end up in the corner.

[Drawing of people made of geometric, colorful shapes dancing, with one person depicted looking sad in the corner].

And usually it just makes me feel sick. Sometimes for days. Not worth it.

[Drawing of someone looking queasy, surrounded by bright colors, a speaker with heavy soundwaves, and purple spirals].

I’m tired of people assuming I don't like to go out. That I’m quiet and prefer a night in.

[Drawing of a TV, a window, and a cat].

I don't know what I like. I never really got the chance to explore.

Hope no one thinks I’m weird! LOL.

[Drawing of a person shrugging].

I Had to Quit Sports Because of Chronic Illness But it Didn’t Matter Because I Wasn’t Very Good

Volume 3:

I am trying to figure out how to talk about myself in this moment.

Like, it helps a lot to wear earplugs in overstimulating environments. How does it feel good to talk about that?

Is it: [drawing of people in a party setting. One person says “I am putting my ear plugs in everyone!” Everyone else says “cool.”]

Or, is it: [drawing of two people eating a meal at a table. One person says “yeah, so I wear earplugs when it’s loud.” The other person says “cool.”]

Or: (saying nothing at all and just doing it) [Drawing of three people in a party setting. One person, clearly a different character than the person who wears the earbuds, says “cool.”]

It ultimately doesn’t matter.

[Drawing of person wearing ear plugs, holding a bottle, looking like they’re having fun.]

Water in beer bottle. Check! Ear plugs in ears. Check! Ready to go! Check!

[A speech bubble off the side of the page says “cool.”]

I Had to Quit Sports Because of Chronic Illness But it Didn’t Matter Because I Wasn’t Very Good

Volume 4:

[Drawing of a person who looks overwhelmed, surrounded by three other people. One person says “how are you feeling today?” One person says “do you need help with that?” And the last person, carrying a chair, says “I got you this chair!”]

[Drawing of an angry face thinking “I can take care of myself, thanks!”]

[Drawing of the same person smiling saying “thank you so much for checking in.”]

[Drawing of the same four characters as before, standing silently.]

[Drawing of the main character, looking suspicious. They have a thought bubble that says “why is no one checking in with me? Did they forget about me?”]

[Drawing of a person saying “just tell us your needs.”]

[Large drawing of the main character, their eyes wide and their head exploding into many colors. They are thinking “I DON'T KNOW MY NEEDS.”]

[Smaller drawing of the main character, smiling and saying “okay, thank you!”]