Kimball Anderson

sight unseen

stale air

computer fan spinning

I almost perceive myself

as if I were something else

my voice is still that same

high voice that imprinted on me

as a child

as I read my own writing

I read my words excited

like everything is new to me

it’s all a mask

what am I

what’s the point

I find a stretch mark

that I don’t remember

I trace it

a soft indent

over familiar shapes

if I grow and age

if my body changes

and no one is around to see it

do I have a form?

it doesn’t matter

it doesn’t matter

I’m nothing

what should I be

I see

some faint idealized self

some lost fantasy

I’m always holding onto

a memory

an idea that used to hold meaning

when will I arrive

when will I finally just be

do I have to wait for the look in your eyes

do I need your permission

tell me

do you see me

can you feel my body

in this text

the warmth of me

am I right

am I good yet

themself

maybe when I move my body next

it’ll be changed

I’ll leave behind what I was

a husk on the bed

I keep thinking about myself

when I was a teen

a sweet kid, trying so hard

so delicate

life is a series of losses of self

only mourned when

you can’t accept the present

so I need to accept it then

please

please

storm winds shake the house

a familiar feeling of unease

the floor shouldn’t move

the bed shouldn’t move

like it’s proving the lie of

being in a place at all

being in a body

I imagine walking out into it

to embrace the rain

hitting hard against me, sideways

choosing to be out in the world

finding peace in recklessness

but I don’t

I stay still

I just lie still

I can’t keep making the same mistakes

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Kimball Anderson makes comics for people who fell off of the conveyor belt of life. Since they were young they’ve been disabled by chronic illness, and much of their work explores the ignored, quiet spaces along the periphery that people fall into. Their work has appeared in journals and anthologies like Anomaly, Ink Brick, and How to Wait. You can find more of their comics online (outside-life.com).