Rebecca Hayes

On Pain & Sunflowers

PAIN. where is it coming from?
why is it happening?
when will it go away?

I’m tired of swallowing pills that don’t seem to work. I’m tired of contacting my doctor. I just want to sit under the sunflowers next to my parents’ old apartment, the first place I remember living, before the pain started. Before I knew the routine of visit doctor / get blood drawn / try new medication.

I remember going to my locker before going home
sick as other kids watched me, feeling their thoughts like thinking "She’s leaving again.” Feeling their thoughts like “she’s probably faking it.”

I remember trips to the nurse’s office,
a place to rest my aching legs, a place
to have a break from pretending I’m just
like the other kids, so full of energy.
These memories stay with me like I’m
supposed to do something with them.
The sunflowers are probably gone by now.
I wish I had a more insightful way to end this.

Fatigue

Fatigue is a ghost
Of potential
Of other things you could be doing
Of other ways you could be feeling

I could sleep for a century and still feel like this

I am haunted by fatigue
and I don’t know how
to get rid of it

An energy-sucking ghost
Living inside my brain & body
Reminding me there is no difference
between my brain & body

I pray for the ghost to leave
as I drink more caffeine
& read tips on coping with
this ghost named Fatigue

Aleve & Caffeine

i take Aleve discreetly in
a shopping mall like it’s an illegal
drug, eyes dart around
to make sure nobody sees me,
face hot full of shame

it doesn’t help
the familiar ache
inside my kneecap
as my brain is buzzing
from all the caffeine
i need just to function
half as well as a “normal” person

i fall asleep on a couch that night
and i dream that all the chemicals
are making my body glow
like a genetically engineered
fluorescent fish
that comes in colors like
electric green,
sunburst orange,
moonrise pink

Rebecca Upton Hayes is a writer currently finishing her degree in Disability Studies at CUNY. Her creative and academic work are inspired by her experience living with chronic illness. You can find pictures of her cat and her creative work on her Instagram at instagram.com/softgothkitten.