sterling-elizabeth arcadia

CW: implied childhood abuse, suicidal ideation

its hidden

after “Volcano” by Gohar Dashti (Source)

20. in the warehouse of my heart –
past the well-trained drug dog,
below the closet, behind the boxes
& beyond the paramedics
my mouth makes a different shape but
its there. its there:

18. in 12th grade, the first time
we touch our toes together
& our toe hairs squeal in delight
at the reciprocal recognition,
in the little anatomy classroom
underneath the table

a liver sits fatty & glistening between us,
jiggling at the sudden push backwards.
we take things a foot farther
with our glancing gazes
our mumbled apologies.

7. but it can also be seen on the lawn
in my childhood. i am missing
amidst the pastels & primaries
but the future curves around the corner
of my playhouse. i am trembling under the bed

21. & see the potentialities of walls,
thoughts bubble up in art galleries
& in offices. the water cooler the quietest
between us.

23. home itself is a work of constant progress
of shovel & pickaxe under cerulean drywall,
crumbling concrete dust & desk fan.
with you though the work is a joke,
the wallpaper pastes itself – youre all
so funny but you let me be
the center of attention
ringlets in my hair & ears

12.

14. a family & a harvest
on the floor, two teas
& a third in the hand.
let the green guide you
between the window & the wall
refuse the chair. trust
the loveseat & let me come out
from the corner & show my face –
plenty of room but only one room
& i am a constant threat to doors,

17. to oak coffees table replete with chips
& craft beer

9. earlier too, in the locker room
by the pool i stand up & change
behind the towel someone’s father
holds up for privacy, hide my beating
sex into a square locker at the edge of the room
& follow the boys in my class out

i smile in between drills when my face can
be seen but looking underwater i
contemplate what it would be like to drown